Our expectations kill love. Those expectations come from all manner of things. Some from what we reject in our parents’ relationship, some from what we accept in our parents’ relationship. Some of our expectations come from books we read, movies we see and novels. We want the romance, we don’t want the chaos. We want the happiness, we don’t want the trauma. We want the love, we don’t want the rejection. And so we build up a false, or a fictitious definition of what is a good relationship and what is a bad one. In doing this we make it nearly impossible to be happy in love. We don’t show up because we’re afraid to cause the drama which will contradict our model of a good relationship. We fail to argue with our partner and stand up for our rights because we’re trying to achieve a fiction, trying to achieve a passive, non violent, peaceful, loving space with a person.
But this is not love. This is escapism, this is delusion. A great relationship grows at the border of chaos and order, support and challenge. And it’s the ability to embrace both sides of this and love a person through it that gives us the sacred love we’re all looking for. Our souls want love. They are not looking for peace. That’s us, that’s our ego, looking for gratification, looking to be reinforced or accepted. Our souls are looking for challenge and support. They’re looking for growth, they’re looking for depth.
If you are truly in search of a soul mate or if you truly believe that you are living with your soul mate, you will welcome the chaos and the order of that relationship in equal lumps. You will welcome both the challenge and support with the same enthusiasm, with the same smile, knowing that love is not measured by either of these things.
If you take your time to go in nature you will find chaos and order in perfect balance. If you step off the world and sit on the moon and look back at this planet you will see chaos and order in perfect balance. You won’t become hyper vigilant and therefore paranoid about global warming and problems that you see as being life threatening. You will see those as one half of an equation of balance. Sacred love means that you will welcome both the good and the bad, the support and the challenge, the growth and the decay, the birth and the death, with the same enthusiasm.
Those people who are running from the past will excess challenge their partner. Those people who are stuck in the past will excess order their partners. Too much support. One causes burn out, too much challenge causes burnout. And the other causes boredom. To really turn up in a relationship, to really have sacred love, you’re going to have to embrace both sides of support and challenge. Be prepared to draw boundaries, be prepared to confront your partner’s ideas about who you should be and shouldn’t be, be prepared to be a unique individual. And at the same token be prepared to soften and surrender when it’s necessary, be prepared to be wrong.
There are many people who complain, oh I have a relationship and I’m married to this person but our romance is dead, we’ve lost the enthusiasm to make love, to be passionate with each other. And I would spend some time with that person and find them to be always wanting to be right. And a right person is the most unattractive, most unromantic individual you can ever find. We’re never right. We’re right and wrong. There’s always two sides to the coin. And the person who can embrace those two sides can choose to focus on the negative or choose to focus on the positive. This is romance. This is the ability to say, love grows at the border of support and challenge. I’m going to challenge my partner, I’m going to support my partner and love will be there right throughout the whole journey. If I just be myself, if I just turn up today, if I just be myself, I will support and challenge my partner. I will focus on the positive, I will focus on the support but I will acknowledge the challenge will not go away.