“Creating a Space for A Relationship to Thrive in People who find, live in and sustain a great relationship create creative space. They develop environments that support creativity. They develop an attitude that supports creative thinking. That means space, colour, time out, community gatherings, entertainment, laughter and spontaneity. They support the unusual and diverse.”
Global Environmental Change Begins at Home
50% of your life is in chaos, 50% is in order. If you want to have a happy life, a romantic life, then appreciate the benefit of both. Correspondingly, 50% of your environment is going to be a mess, cluttered and out of control, 50% is going to be in control and uncluttered. If you tidy one area and get it perfect, then another area is going to become cluttered and chaotic. 50% does not mean half. It really refers to the amount of turbulence, dysfunction and mess. Lets see:
Have you met people who are absolutely anal retentive about something? They are wonderful people because they really do help you organise what they think is super important. They are great but there are two sides to everything and if you were to look at their life you would find an area they just didn’t care about. I had a friend who was meticulous in the kitchen, in her computer work in her clothing, but if you asked about her health, it was a disaster. If you looked behind the bedroom door, there was a clothing bag full of dirty laundry almost two weeks old. For her, as long as the bag was sealed and hanging in the right place, it was organised. We all see order differently.
I have the most amazing filing system for my tax papers. It’s a box at my feet at my desk. The box is neat and attractive, it’s not an eyesore. Inside the box are all my year’s receipts, tax papers, credit card dockets, invoices – chucked in a big heap. There’s just a jumble and I don’t find that at all intimidating. For me this is order because it is sort of chronologically thrown in. I find things when I need them really quickly. If you went to find something, you’d be there for a week. I tried all sorts of filing systems and found them to be ways to lose things alphabetically. This chaos is my order.
So, with clutter and environment. It is really important for you to consider where you are going to be anal retentive and where not. The ideal way to consider this is to allow clutter in your lower priorities in life and work for order in your higher priorities. In my life my writing, clients and seminars are my highest priorities followed closely by my research. You’d find that area of my life totally clutter free, organised to perfection. Tax on the other hand is a necessity, and for me, clutter here is ok as long as it’s in a box and doesn’t get my head distracted on my desk where I do my highest priorities. So this brings us to your relationship.
The reason you are single is because something else, other than a partner, is more important to you. That might not correspond to your level of discomfort in being single, or your conversations with friends about your desire for love in your life, but it’s simply a fact. If you are single then something else is significantly more important than a partner. It might be a child, it might be wealth, it might be health, it might be your spiritual journey. Something is more important than a partner because the only thing stopping you from accepting a partner in your life is your attachment and prioritisation of something more important. It is also the reason that many existing relationships fail.
If you are single and then you really prioritise relationship in order to find one, then once you have a relationship your priorities will go back to what they were when you were authentically single. You might go back to the love of your work, the love of your sport, the love of your children from a previous marriage or even the love of a religion or spiritual guru. If you do that, then your partner might be in shock. They were seduced by a person who made them feel like they were king or queen of your realm and now they are left with the dregs of your time and energy. This is a big problem but it’s easily solved.
It’s called sales and marketing.
In sales and marketing you might be selling dog collars. Your priority is making money so your values are not healthy dogs, proud ownership or safety for animals. Your priorities are totally different from the people you are dealing with. So, what do you do? Do you lie and make your priorities different so that you can fake that dogs are important to you, or do you sell and market your product authentically? I’d suggest the latter. Here’s how…. you care.
When you care about your partner or client they feel that you are making their priorities your priorities. This is not faking it, it’s caring. Caring simply means that you sincerely care about what is important to somebody else and then you link caring to your priorities. Here’s another sales and marketing example: my partner cared about food, where it comes from, how it’s cooked and who grew it. She even cared about the carbon footprint the transport of the food left. She cared about how the animal or fish died and whether it was a humane death. If I was to rank my highest 100 priorities down to my lowest, all of those topics would not even get a mention. Yet, I love making love. So, how did I turn my partner on? Sales and marketing is the answer. I spoke to her in her values in order to get my values met. I took her to great restaurants that cared about all those values she valued and sat through hours of blabla bla, bla, bla……. about organics. In order not to be bored I linked every word she said about food to kissing her later. The more she spoke the more horny I got and the more she spoke about food and had a great listener, the more horny she got. When people feel that their values are being met, they get libido. That’s sales and marketing. Make people horny for your product by talking and listening in their values.
Now, was there any in-authentic behaviour in this? No. This is life. Everyone has their priorities and in a relationship they are never, ever, ever, ever the same. In fact if two people come together with the same priorities, one isn’t necessary. That’s nature’s magnificent design. We meet and collude on different priorities but we intersect on how we can achieve them.
Lets now talk about environment… and how this relates to priorities.
You create clutter free, ordered space in the arena that you consider to be your highest priority. If you spend all day scrubbing the floor in order to have a wonderful relationship, one might think you’ve gone off on a tangent (unless you plan a little floor based loving). But if you were to put your emotional life in order, and if you were to create a wonderful schedule of time so that your energy wasn’t burnt out from stress and panic attacks from being late all the time, you would be 100% laying the ground work for prioritising a new relationship.
If you spend all day on Facebook talking to friends and family and yet you claim to be in search of new love in your life, one could be accurate in saying you’re lying to yourself. You’re doing one thing and wanting another. It’s like people who want to lose weight and yet drink alcohol. Alcohol is sugar, sugar puts on weight, losing weight means less sugar. Can you see that these contradictions create hell?
So, if you are real about prioritising the finding of new love, remembering this might not be your long term sustainable value, you will recognise that sales and marketing are crucial and the most important things to a self-respecting future partner (someone who isn’t desperate or working from their “gut” needs) will begin at ground zero… The environment you create.
Here are some bad environmental signals
- Are you so busy you can’t make time for a call during the day?
- Are you so distracted that your sense of humour is sporadic?
- Are you still dressed in your work clothes when you go out for dinner – disorganised?
- Are you so in the moment that after sex you don’t text when you travel?
- Are you so self obsessed that you think people want what you want out of a relationship?
- Are you smelly – feet, breath, hair, underarm, pussy, backside – totally ignorant?
- Are you up yourself – talking about your values instead of theirs?
- Are you telling or asking – feeling somehow superior or wiser or inferior, insecure?
- Are you over doing the attraction – revealing your discontent with your life – needy yuk?
- Are you talking about, relating to, bouncing off or conditional to your ex – compromised?
- Are you overweight and trying to lose it – lost and hoping for a white knight or princess?
Ok so those are just a few… add stressed, nervous, depressed, grieving, exhausted, frustrated and worried about money issues and you start to see how a bit of nature’s inspiration might be an essential value adding environmental change agent for your real objective.
Please recognise that all the above bad environmental things will put the bug into a relationship whether you have them before you meet or after. They are relationship killers. The key here is that you create an aura around you. That aura has nothing to do with how fat or stressed you are. It has everything to do with how you are dealing with your problems.
You are always going to have problems to deal with in your life. Stress, busy, distracted, time poor, preoccupied, self-obsessed (healing an illness like a flu or toothache), up yourself after a win, feeling insecure, dealing with the past, over weight – those things are here to stay. It’s how you deal with these things that determines whether you are going to sustain the sales and marketing (lets call it seduction and romance) that keeps your partner engaged and in love with you, or whether you are going to be complacent and bring that crud home and have it blow your life and dream of a great relationship out the window. You can choose. Nature can help. I can show you how simply by using Nature Based Strategies for Life.
Creating a Loving Space – Choosing where to prioritise your efforts.
If you are single and thinking about being double then a great and easy place to start is in the space you’ve created at home. Your dishes and shirts and undies and toothpaste are all convenient for who? For you. If you want to attract a partner start making space for them. At least pick up a spare tooth brush and some nice bathroom products to bring out on that special occasion.
I hear people say that they’d rather wait until they meet someone, which is understandable. But one of the secrets in success is to believe it before you see it. Acting as if it’s true is one of the secrets to business success, and it’s the same in love, believe it before you see it.
So, a powerful step in changing your status quo is to begin with a change in your environment. That means, things, clothes, standards of dress, decorations, art, undies, sporting gear, home, jewellery, friends, cafe’s, modes of transport. And more…
You can start today … clean out the undies, change the room, fix the office, organise the bathroom, improve the space.
Ditch anything that you associate with a past partner, jewellery, gifts and photos. Those past partner’s are in your heart, you don’t need their energy smothering your open window. Everything has energy so, give, sell or dump it. Make space for the new, even leave a picture frame blank or insert a picture of a happy couple you imagine you will become. It’s important.
Environmental awareness starts in your life not with whales and forests and frogs. All that is fine but you need to get your house in order. put on some sandals, before you go out coating the world in leather. That’s a big message from nature. Be the change you want the world to experience.
Take it one step further and change your approach to how you look. Not randomly or with a clothing consultant. Change your approach to your private upkeep first. Mow those nose hairs, wax that moustache, have a hair cut or a wax on your back. I mean present yourself differently. There are men I meet with enough hair coming out of their nose the plant a full coconut plantation and some women with smelly armpits and handbags that have been sitting in the dirt on the floor of taxi’s and busses. This all makes a difference.
Start paying attention to your eating habits, like the way you eat and how you hold your cutlery. I hear people complain about their partner’s eating habits more than any other complaint. I know it sounds trivial if you are really in love, but being in love and being turned on by someone are two different things, and you do want both, I can assure you of that.
We are the environment we create. It all starts at home.
What goes on outside of us reflects the inside. If we create a spacious, uncluttered home our mind and heart become spacious and uncluttered. An uncluttered life has room for a relationship. A cluttered life has room for needs to get fulfilled. You can choose which one you think will satisfy you.
Try an experiment. Clutter your desk. Make it messy. See if it’s true that a messy desk is a messy mind.
Sometimes a messy mind is good, it’s creative and playful, but if your workload goes up or there’s a sudden stress and your mind is scattered, overwhelmed then you might end up in goofball territory. I mean, everything is easy when everything is going your way. That’s going to happen 50% of the time. For the other 50% you are going to need some support because there’s going to be challenge and confusion and uncertainty. I think having an organised space prepares you for that challenge. But it also indicates you are ready.
If your world is cluttered and your life is just one panic after the other you might be hoping that a relationship will solve that. But that’s not going to happen. Relationships don’t solve problems, the exacerbate them. They grow. So if you are cluttered and out of control before a relationship, it’ll only get worse with one.
So today begin the cycle of improving your environment and creating a loving space for your relationship. Create empty time where you would go out if you were with someone. Sit in a bath as you would do if you were with someone. Clean sheets, nice undies, a shower before bed. Act like you are with someone even if you are not. That’s called “the power of attraction.”
Can you see nature’s role in creating a great environment in your home office and mind? This is most important for discipline, clear mind and body and ask yourself how you can bring more nature into your work and home life.
SPRING CLEAN -even in winter – start with your filing system – but you might even go to a colonic and spring clean your intestines.
Consider your hair cut, your clothes, your computer cover. Consider all the affirmations you have around you that signal your appreciation for yourself. Remember, if you appreciate someone else’s dreams and personality and luck and wealth and health more than your own, you are putting them up and yourself down (in nature nothing is missing).
You can’t give what you haven’t got so appreciate yourself and the form of your environment, your mindfulness about order and cleanliness. Treat yourself with abundance, so you can appreciate others.
Go look in your sock, stocking and undies draw and throw out the odd sox, the crappy undies, and the holy stockings. Give yourself no choice but to upgrade what is underneath your clothing because that is a part of your environment too. Don’t keep stuff for camping trips and then start slipping them back into use because you forgot to do the laundry.
Look at your shoes, your brief case, what’s in your brief case and what’s dangling from your arm and neck. Look at it with a non sentimental eye. Does this represent where you’ve been or where you’re going. If it’s where you are going then great, if not, dump it.
Clear the energy in your space by looking around your life for things that are toxic. Clear away stuff that was gifted to you by someone you’ve moved on from. Bring into your home and office what resonates with your vision in life rather than what resonates with where you were.
I’ve worked with a lot of people in underprivileged environments. What is amazing to find out is that those people with the most time on their hands, unemployed, with no sense of hope for the future, have the most disgusting and dirty environments. Which do you think comes first? Does low self worth breed disgusting environments or do disgusting environments breed low self-worth?
Irrespective of the answer to that question, what we clearly know is that they are linked. Not only are they linked for those who are in underprivileged circumstances but they are linked for those in extremely privileged circumstances. I have met so many entrepreneurs and business people who have averaged a plateau in their career, the glass ceiling so to speak, but who are treating themselves in the way they dress and act as they were in the past. So their behaviour and mode of dressing is reflecting the position that they are stuck in in the world. This is not about fashion. This is about recognising that people do judge the book by the cover but it’s not the people who are judging us that I keeping us stuck, it’s ourselves. When we fail to recognise that we are repeating who we were in the past, by constraining our environment to what it looked like in the past, we are subconsciously sabotaging any attempt to escalate our life and improve our vision, inspiration or purpose.
Go to magazines and cut out pictures that show what you want to resonate with. Separate them into the seven areas of life. This is the new you, the new resonation and add pictures from all different sources. You want to appreciate your opportunity. Now, over the next days, look at your clothing, ask yourself this: “do those clothes reflect the me that I want to become in the future? If not – give em up. Don’t wait for the new to arrive – make the space in your life for the new – and then get magazines and choose your brand style – choose a cost level .. beware of synthetic fabrics that carry charges and go for wool, cotton and silk where possible. Throw away fake watches, you are no fake.
I have spent many years of my life in spiritual retreats all over the world. When I first started going I thought it was because I was entering a new philosophy or a transformation in my spiritual consciousness and that was why I felt so amazingly clear and openhearted. But that wasn’t why. The environment in a spiritual retreat is pristine, everything has its place, they clean the buildings three times a day, nothing is out of place. There is a respect for the environment that includes the clothes you wear and the robes of the monks. Nothing is left to chance they know that the external environment has a massive impact on the internal environment of a human being. The art reflects the mysticism of the higher thinking. This is the sort of thinking you need to maintain for a new relationship to come into your life and thrive.
I went home to the family world of a couple who were experiencing the final throes of a relationship breakdown. As I went into the front door of their house there was a picture of Marlon Brando, in a swamp filled cage being tortured in the jungles of a war-torn Asian nation. The husband loved the movie but the wife hated it and yet this was the centre-piece of their home. A metaphor that he believed that her feelings about this picture didn’t affect them. She feared drawing a boundary and accepted this monstrosity to adorn the walls of their love nest. That this was just the beginning of what I witnessed in an environment that gave the relationship very little support.
When you put on your clothes in the morning, put a little love into it. Be glad you have something nice to wear. For that matter, it is highly important that you would be wise to love your clothing and appreciate wearing it. I think it’s better to have one suit of the finest wool than five synthetic ones. But it’s not just what people see, choose good quality underwear to wear next to your skin. Give consideration to beauty and elegance in the clothing you wear.
These considerations will cause a rise in your self-appreciation. You will become less needy, more confident, and you will attract a different sort of person. Of course, the commitment is not just for the courtship, or the honeymoon, it’s forever, a constant improvement process.
People will begin to remark how much better, or younger, you are looking. You will be invited to more gatherings, more often. Your opinion will be more respectfully listened to.
When you appear well, it must be because you have succeeded at something so others will reason that because you look well, you are well and that attracts a healthy partner.