1. Always Compliment
In a world where Facebook and Twitter have overwhelmed us with the ability to communicate to large numbers of people the art of communication one-on-one is becoming lost. It seems for some people that it’s more important to post what’s on the dinner plate than the picture of a person sitting opposite. It is our responsibility to change the world one heart of the time. And that heart is sitting right in front of you, standing beside you, walking near you. Whether it’s somebody we know or don’t know on the bus you have a chance to change one heart simply by operating in a healthy human space. And the astonishing thing about this is it’s the secret to happiness at a personal level. The way we treat others is the way we get treated. Especially in a relationship is opportunity to practice changing the world one heart at a time by treating people as you wish them to become. Simply that means complement them when they do what they love and they do it well and when they don’t, shut up.
2. Come home enthusiastic.
Incompetency at work leads us to come home exhausted thinking that our partner will be happy to spend the evening with a burned-out, moaning, groaning, boring, exhausted, self absorbed, wounded, overweight, unintelligent, blob. this is not how it is meant to be. Set your target is to be “come home with more energy than you left with in the morning.” Bring home the love. If you spend all your emotion at work, moaning and groaning and whingeing and complaining, then there’ll be none of that left when you get home, in fact to be so exhausted you feel like you run a marathon on even though you’ve been sitting on your bum all day. It’s really important to see what is causing exhaustion. Come home enthusiastically because that’s the person your partner wants to spend the evening with. You may be surprised to know that the purpose of a relationship is to make the other person feel better for being with you than away from. Step one is complement, step two is be enthusiastic.
3. Lower your expectations
At first this sounds a little strange that the only people on earth who can have the privilege of high expectations about relationships are single. They are single because they have high expectations about relationships and therefore they can’t find one. If you are in a relationship and you want to stay in it, lower your expectations of your partner and let them be themselves. Your expectations are your corruption. Expectations blocked love. Why would anybody want to live with another person whose expectations are so high that they always feel inadequate. If you have low expectations it will mean that your partner will always surprise you and never disappoint. Don’t you think that’s a good basis for a long-term relationship. The only way you can lower your expectations is to become self-sufficient.
4. Be self-sufficient
There are so many words that are used in the world of therapy to describe a mess in a relationship but most of them revolve around the idea of codependency. What does codependency mean? Simply, codependency means that you can’t live without the other person. It therefore means you have not got your own act together. An unhappy person who gets happy because they’re in a relationship will end up unhappy. A person who feels inadequate outside of a relationship but feels adequate because of a relationship will end up feeling inadequate. Relationships can be used as Band-Aids but they don’t last very long. Just like a Band-Aid eventually it drops off and exposes what’s beneath. Becoming self-sufficient does not mean complete independence what it means is that you don’t rely on the other person to fulfil your emotional needs. That means you’ll need to spend some time alone and with friends outside of the relationship in order for it to stay healthy.
5. The 33% rule
Old Mr Pythagoras spent his whole lifetime fiddling around with the principle of the 33% rule. Ultimately he came up with the idea of the Isosceles triangle, the cosmic infrastructure of the universe, and the definition of beauty being symmetry, proportion and order based on his triangle. Now this is not a mathematics lecture so I won’t go into all Mr Pythagoras theory except to say that the reason to stars do not collide is because of the 33% rule. And that very same rule applies to 2 human beings. Each has their own vision, dreams life. If those two dreams and visions are the same one of those two people are not necessary. We come together in relationship to overlap and share the journey not to become one complicated singular individual. We need to maintain 66.666% Independents in our vision, inspiration and purpose in life. That leaves 33.3% overlap. So when you get home from work and you spend an hour talking about fishing or the cost of cheese in China, you’re using the 33% time for something that I would suggest might not be directly on target with your mutual interests. This is where we need to value the time we have together and understand that it’s easily flittered away on holidays and in restaurants talking about crap. All that stuff feels good but it may not be the highest and most valuable thing to do with our 33% time.
6. Stay sober
I drink. I’m not a teetotaller. So I’m not a wowser. I love a glass of wine. But there’s a point with drinking where the tongue and the brain disconnect and suddenly we make an ass of ourselves. If you ever need your partner to lower their expectation of you which is the first point I made in this short blog, get drunk a lot. Sadly, no expectation is better than a bad one. And by getting drunk not only do we get low expectations we get negative ones.
This week we are focusing on relationships. In the next days I will release another blog on the six worst things we can do in a relationship. A welcome your feedback and any questions.